Maybe Nixon is the lucky one after all. He is leaving on his own terms, while I remain in twilight.
So, preparation for who I would be without my existing duties, commitments and responsibilities. First, I assess my existence and who I am now with all these obligations and burdens. Next, I dictate what I am willing to accept and what I am willing to discard in the pursuit of what I want and who I want to become. Simple, right?
Except I’m starting to realize that without social obligations I would become even more isolated than I already am . . .
What characteristics describe my ideal relationship? What are the priorities, what will I tolerate in the pursuit of those goals, and when is too much, too much? And when is not enough, not enough?
It’s time we talk about where we are and where we are going from here. I want affection and all that comes with it: closeness, comfort, reassurance, tenderness, togetherness as we face the world. While we care very much for each other and about each other (and indeed truly love each other) what we have is not a romantic or affectionate type of love.
What we have is a very deep compassion and strong connection, and yes, I want that. I want that to continue . . . (Do I?) But I also want the romance, the affection, the desire. I want to desire, and I want to be desired. This is a desire we do not have.
As you know, my love languages are time and touch. I want to be loved in those ways.
I know you love me. I know you show me your love in very powerful ways. But I am still thirsty for - and my soul is calling for - something we do not have. And I want to be able to embrace it when it comes my way.
What do we want from this relationship? And what do we want from each other? Simple questions without easy answers . . .
And here I am again, managing the details of an undertaking to make something happen and paying for the privilege of doing so. This is certainly not the life I want to live. No, this is an unnecessary pattern that only I can change.
Hurl myself towards the life I want . . . but what is the life I want? What of my current life do I wish to retain?
I must write down what I am currently doing in my life. Write it all down. Then I’ll know what, if any of it, I want to continue.
Be patient. You are not desperate. It’s coming. Navagantes said one year. It’s okay to admit to the longing so it doesn’t feel ignored and roar forward.
But I am afraid. One year from now will I still be the same person, for better or for worse? Will my circumstances have improved or deteriorated during that time? There is only ever one way to answer these kinds of questions: "Get broken, regenerate, resurrect."
Prepare your heart for what lies ahead.
