Being As Napolean's Heart

"You're the girl of my dreams, apparently.
Now why do you have to live so far away?"

This quote from an old friend has come back to haunt me. I have found that temperate seaside living in affluent neighborhoods is meaningless when faced with the implications of a reality so complete, so haunting and unforgiving. I haven't written like this in quite some time but this feeling of organic, manufactured internal darkness, the literal knotting of the guts, like I could vomit all over myself, until my guts are empty (again) and even then dry-heave until my throat is slick with blood - it never fully fades. Maybe it never will.

This morning I had a dream that even now is beginning its inevitable recession from my memory. I feel like I have to write it all down if I stand any hope of holding on to the feeling, that faint glimmer of what others call "hope," the glimmer of which has grown dimmer with the passing of time.

I am listening to sprinklers kick on, standing in wet grass in bare feet, romanticizing about the places that are not here but rather where you are, wishing I were closer to where it is you rest your head at night.

In Retrospect

Life keeps finding new ways to disappoint me.

Prelude

"Inside of this syringe
there are memories
of everything that
could have been."

Nicole

What if . . .  you are as close to perfection as I will ever get?

Chasing Brightness

"As humans we all play host to vulnerability and imperfection. They are the universal parasites that infect and constrain us all. Admitting ones failure is, and always will be, the hardest part. Mistakes will happen despite our best intentions. Attempting to prevent them entirely is a fool's errand. What defines a person is how well they tailor imperfection and failure to their advantage."

Remember, there are always casualties when it comes to the pursuit of something greater . . . up to, and including, ourselves.

Erin

"The truth is, we're all statistics, we're all numbers. Most of us don't like to admit it. We go on believing what we were told as kids: that we are special, we are unique, we have value . . . and worth."

Some of us are worth more than others, that's all.

I Knew You Were Trouble

"Dude . . . are you listening to Taylor Swift?"

" . . . "

"I mean, it's okay if you are. I've been listening to her latest single all week."

" . . . "

" . . . "

"This conversation . . . never happened."

"Agreed."