Pansy

Loss has taught me nothing except how to live without you.

Rational Self-Analysis I

When you hate yourself to the extent that I do, it becomes easier to transcend human limitation – the kind that prevents most individuals from realizing their true potential – because you are no longer constrained by the concept of self-preservation.

It becomes far easier to endure pain – as well as seek out and invite additional pain upon yourself – when you feel as though you deserve it.

Whether this is a healthy long-term strategy for mental development, however, remains to be seen.

Ishmael

I wasted a lot of time feeling sorry for myself after your death and that is not your fault - who I am is different than who I was at the time of your murder - but it has taken me six years to realize that through living a life that pays tribute to you, by appreciating rather than cursing this gift of life - by recognizing every breath as a sacred gift, every day, every sunrise, every smile and every laugh - I can still honor you and your sacrifice.

I will cherish that gift, Gerardo. I will not let it go to waste, not one more second of it - never again. I will cherish every moment and every challenge this life has to offer, and I will live it in your memory . . . and in your honor.

I believe that is how anyone would rather be remembered.

This is letting go, old friend. Now it is time to gain some ground.

Kit

Several months ago I had a dream about you.

In this dream I was trying to save your life.
I couldn't save you . . . but we died together.

It was worth it.

Promises Kept (Can't Hurt Me)

There is a poster on my bedroom wall depicting a masked man armed with an AK-47 assault rifle aimed directly at the camera.

At the top the poster reads: Today, somewhere in the world, someone was training to kill you. At the bottom it asks, What did you do today?

I stare at it on the days I feel like nothing and it reminds me of the shooting at Los Angeles International Airport on November 1, 2013.

There are indeed individuals in the world who wish to do us harm, for reasons we may never fully comprehend or understand, and that reality pushes me to become the things I always talk about.

Stronger, faster, smarter, healthier . . . better.

Because the fact of the matter is this: somewhere out there is an enemy preparing for me; therefore, I need to prepare for them.

"Every time you train, train with the discipline and purpose that you will be the hardest person someone ever tries to kill."

"But . . . why? Why does it matter?"

"Because when we do meet, on the battlefield or elsewhere, I want to be ready for that one-on-one rendezvous with fate. No factor."

Gerardo, you never got the chance to make it home to your wife and kids. I know my own grief by comparison is miniscule - your family lost a son, a brother, a husband, a father; I just lost a friend.

Nonetheless, there was a lesson to be learned in your sacrifice. It was a horrible lesson to learn in such a brutal and callous way and I wish that sort of profound and disgusting experience on absolutely no one, but the lesson - and subsequent clarity on life and death - was learned all the same. It can't be unlearned and the implications - as well as the sacrifices made - are never far from my mind.

The aluminum bracelet around my right wrist helps to keep you close old friend, and I will continue to carry the burdens of this world in your absence. You hold it down on your end and I will do the same on mine, until we meet again.

"El patron por vida . . . el patron por siempre."

"Cada día que estoy vivo hace que todo valga la pena."