Pain / Clarity

In pain there is clarity.

I need more of both.

I want to know everything.

Cheryl (The Arrogance of False Hope)

I wish you would stop pervading my dreams with thoughts of hope. My mind has no time for one-sided conversations of how well the two of us would work out together in the end.

Then again, the weakest part of me appreciates being strung along.

Tobey

Thank you for dropping in, Tobey. I haven't see you in 14 years and, holy cow, was it great to see you again, if only for a moment. I hope the intervening years have been kind to you and your family.

The love you bestowed upon this teenage misfit has never been forgotten, and I still very much adore your hard-nosed attitude and love for all things literature-related.

I am writing a book right now. That was never the plan - as much as I enjoy writing as a means of therapeutic output, I had never even considered the possibility: blue-collar, working-class guys like me, we don't do stuff like that, you know? That's more for the kids with rich parents and college degrees. But with the release of my first solo musical album, and a follow-up album already in the works, doors have begin to open in ways I never imagined before, and now . . . 

. . . well, suffice to say that it is nice to have friends, most of whom I didn't even know I had.

I am about two years out from a serious stab at publication. In the meantime I have been discussing ways and means to incorporate some poetry and writing into my upcoming live performances, once the COVID-19 pandemic becomes a bit more manageable and venues safely begin reopening for business. The response so far has been both surprisingly and overwhelmingly positive. Spoken word is a genre that keeps popping up in my sphere of influence, and I am making time to seriously delve into its contents and stylings to see what I can mine from it.

More recently, I have been paying it forward with the people around me whom I respect and admire. Financial restraints are no longer the millstone they were for me as a teenager and early-to-mid twenty-something, and it feels surprising fulfilling to recognize the people I love (there's a word that doesn't make an appearance very often!) with kindness and respect, and in acknowledgement of their successes and sacrifices, both on their behalf and on mine.

It is alongside teachers like you and Gebhart, and family members like my mother Renée and my grandmother Julia, that I developed such a deep love for reading, writing, music, literature and intellect. I have never taken those interests for granted, and my continual pursuit and consumption of these mediums enrich my life daily.

I love you, Tobey. The love, respect and admiration you bestowed upon me as a teenager have helped me through some of the darkest moments in my life, and for that I will always be grateful for you. 

I will continue seeking knowledge. I will continue growing stronger. I will continue moving forward in spite of all things, and in honor of you and your sacrifice. Thank you, Tobey. Thank you for being there.

Keep This

Kinship with my fellow humans, that rarest of feelings.

The End of Silence

Fuck you. 

Fuck your wife. 

Fuck your collective progeny. 

Fuck the entirety of your lineage. 

Fuck everyone who has led to your existence.