Nobody told 2020 that it only had a year to live. 

It won't be long now . . . at 12:00 am, 2020 dies.

Philbrook

Sometimes, in brief flashes of clarity, we see the way forward. 

How we capitalize on these moments of insight dictate the outcome of our lives.

What an insightful realization.

The conundrum of college:

In order to get rich you have to go to college, but in order to afford college you have to be rich.

Solution: I will become rich. Knowledge will not be denied me.

Delta Echo Sierra Tango Alpha November India Echo (A.K.A. What Separates Me From You)

I had a dream about you tonight. It was so . . . unsettling . . . that it woke me right up. 

I feel as though I have to write it down, in order to get it out of me.

You and I were standing at the end of a long, empty hallway. There were people standing at the opposite end of this hallway but not anywhere near us. At the end of the hallway were two doors with windows, which allowed for us to look outside. 

I cannot tell you for certain where we were but it may have been San Pedro, the small, seaside fishing town where I was raised.

I moved out of San Pedro when I was 23 years old but something about the depressive, dour imagery of the town still haunts me: I can remember late nights on our balcony watching the fishing canneries rust, the rattling wheels of the local trolley punctuating the cool evening air as it delivered its weary load to and from the port and its surrounding factories. The hard, weathered faces of the fishermen on the 22nd Street Landing, the commercial fishing trawlers leaving port in the pre-dawn light, the omnipresent and comforting scent of salt in the air as it wafted through my bedroom window on the backs of crashing Pacific Ocean waves . . . 

Yes, it all still visits me from time to time.

You started the conversation. 

"I saw you walking down Indio Avenue yesterday. Were you going to Chimp's?"

"Uh, what's that?"

"It's that new burger joint that all the cool kids are into."

I looked away as I answered. There was a hole in the wall to my right-hand side and just above my head. I had to stand on my tippy-toes to peer inside.

"Oh, no. I didn't even know that was there." 

When I lowered myself back down and turned back to look at you you were standing much closer, looking me in the eyes and smiling. Like I said, it was unsettling, but not at all unwelcome.

"They have Chimp Chimp. He's a real chimpanzee and the restaurant's mascot."

You stepped closer and embraced me with your right arm at my waist, resting your head in the crook between my chest and my right shoulder. You turned me around and we started walking up the hallway.

In the last several days I have become painfully aware of my inability to foster conversation with women. It feels as though I am in competition and cannot compete. From afar I watch men and their interaction with women and the entire transaction feels reciprocal, compatible, affable. When I try and establish the same rapport, it is though a cold, invisible walls manifests itself between myself and the woman in question. I can see it - it is transparent and blue, as though it were made of bricks of glass. It is almost imperceptible, but it is there. My conversation feels contrived and cheap and forced and no connection is established. Women seem almost relieved when I run out of things to say and the feeling is mutual.

I have been reading Now Watch Him Die by Henry Rollins. It did not make much of an impact at first and is still a far cry from a great read, but the deeper I get the more enlightenment I find:

"I hate my loneliness and sorrow. It cuts into me. It defines me. People are the root of loneliness. All I can feel is the need for my body and mind to get away from this for a little while."

What they do not understand is that I cannot talk to save my life. I cannot even talk to people I know. 

Wes always described it best in "Shoplifting in a Ghost Town": "I love the first few days but it's no fun playing a game you always lose." 

This is what separates me from you.

"I was in the dark looking at the stars, thinking about how good it felt to let go of the idea that I will ever be close to someone ever again. They don't know and you can't get mad at them for not knowing, but you somehow wish that they could read your mind."

So . . . yeah. This dream ruined me a bit. You ruined me a bit, unintentionally. But I loved it, Destanie. In that moment it felt . . . nice. 

Warm. Comfortable. Inviting. Owned. Like I imagine Home feels like.

Like I could – and wanted to – fool myself into believing it were real.

Thank you and forgive me, Destanie. I feel better for writing this. I feel lighter, like the weight that I awoke with has left my shoulders and I can breathe again, at least for a little while.

I have tempered myself into something hard and mean.

I have learned

to find solace

in the realization

of my failures,

in the realization

of my loneliness,

and in the certitude that

both of these feelings 

are everlasting.

Now Watch Him Die

"Bury me in a graveyard overlooking the sea . . . " 

These are the last words you ever spoke to me.

I want suffering in this world. I demand it. 

The suffering bestowed upon others serves to justify my own existential angst, offsetting the abysmal self-worth I possess.

In layman's terms, I do not believe that I was put upon this earth to absolve suffering, but rather to foster it.

Versa (Thank You)

A successful response is never going to be one thing done perfectly; it will be a lot of different things done well enough. 

Do not allow imperfection to become conflated with uselessness.

Luna

I am sorry that I never gave you the best of me, because that is what you deserved.

Allow me the opportunity to admit that I fucked up.

Mailman

Watching friends suffer and not knowing how to help them get to the other side . . . I have weathered this pandemic quite well, all things considered, but as for others . . . I had no idea.

I need you all to hold on a little bit longer – I will find a way to reach out, to boost your spirits. I will figure something out. 

Friends do not let friends suffer alone.

Touching The Void

All of my morals have collapsed and I am in existential freefall. I am unsure of what comes next or how much further I have to fall. Every foothold I manage to find on the way down proves temporary in its respite, whereas the darkness into which I am currently descending is everlasting.

"You must determine where you are going in life," explains Dr. Jordan Peterson in his book 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos, "because you cannot get there unless you move in that direction. Random wandering will not move you forward. It will instead frustrate and disappoint you and make you anxious and unhappy and hard to get along with (and then resentful, and then vengeful, and then worse.)"

This meaningless, monotonous, pathetic excuse for an existence is rotting me out. I feel as though I am merely inhabiting the skin of something masquerading itself as a living creature. Beneath the façade of warm flesh, however, festers the true hollowness of existence. Like maggots inhabiting a wound that refuses to heal, feeding off of my relentless pathos and internalizations of failure.

- August 22, 2019, 4:01 PM

Service (Antithesis)

It is easy to play the victim once you have abdicated all responsibility for your actions.

Structure Fire (Date Unknown)

The building was on fire.

You begged me to leave, pulling at my arm as you rushed for the exit, but my officers . . . 

I couldn't leave them behind.

The guilt . . . the guilt was too great . . . my life for theirs.

Have you ever wished to take someone else's place in death?       

Then you might understand where I'm coming from. 

Heather (In Love With An Aberration)

Thank you for dropping in, to impress upon me what might have been: long runs in the wilderness, kayaking excursions through mountainous river rapids, far-flung expeditions exploring long-forgotten and haunted locations.

You exist as an aberration in my mind, like the heat that rises through cracks in the pavement during long summer nights.

(I am quite certain you will appreciate the irony.)

I am not ready to give this up, I am just not sure of how to proceed . . . of how to impress you.

What is the next step when it comes to attempting to impress the girl you love?

Coronavirus In America - July 2, 2020

The experts told us that we would not see the full effect of the race riots / protests on COVID-19 cases in the U.S. until the end of June.

Today we posted over 50,000 new cases for the very first time.

Those same experts now predict 100,000 new cases a day in the very near future.

Do I believe that the race riots / protests that have gripped the country for the last four weeks are solely to blame? Absolutely not.

Do I believe that those same race riots / protests have had no impact at all? Let's not be naïve.

I hope what comes next was worth it.

Tyler

Thank you for the knowledge of heartbreak.
It was worth it just to learn another side of you.

Dreams will remain dreams if there is no pursuit.

Protesters / Police:

The managerial overclass utilizes racial division as a means to undermine the working class while further consolidating its grip on the three pillars of power - government, economy and culture.

Do not be fooled. We are in this together.

Black Ember

I often think very poorly of myself. But it is nice to know that I still possess the capacity to impress myself.

You can have it all . . . but nothing worth having comes easy.

Cheryl

"I think you have a lot of talent; I just think you need to see that you do."

How can people claim to see all of this potential in me, when I can't even see it for myself?

2020: Strategy and Tactics

There is something to be said about feeling optimistic about the future. Seriously, this is an all-new sensation for me and I like it.

I want to feel this feeling more often.

The game plan:

1. I will actively and strategically make decisions that further encourage this feeling of optimism in my life.

2. These decisions will create a positive feedback loop that helps foster future successes. In time this positive feedback loop will become self-sustaining and self-perpetuating.

2b. "Success breeds success due to increased confidence" and desire to maintain forward momentum generated by past successes. - Markus Raab, Ph.D.

3. The end result will be an atmosphere of success and optimism that allows for a foundation of positivity to form. This foundation will permeate all future decision-making processes.

4. This positivity will also spread to my close friends and family, fostering an environment that promotes success in the pursuit of individual goals and achievements.

There is something to be said about feeling optimistic about the future. "The future is ours for the taking," as Turnip and the Radishes once sang. Now it is time to get after it.

Liberation

There's nothing like walking rain-soaked city streets late at night and hearing fireworks go off without warning in the near distance, realizing that the year has come to an end and a new year has commenced in its place.

Twelve months. The clock is already ticking. Let's get after it.