I take my foot off the gas and I sink like a stone.

Why can't I hold on to the happiness? It leaks out of me like a sieve. 

"You did things differently this time, you put yourself out there."

We'll see if it makes any difference.

Maintain the momentum, you know what comes next. Friends are good, but unreliable. The only person you can rely on is yourself. 

Nicole

It's been a long time since I've been introduced to a girl's parents.

I'm going to hold on to this feeling. 

(There may still be hope for me.)

Hope, that rarest of feelings.

I wasn't expecting it at all.

Weightlifting

1. Is how I impose discipline upon myself.

2. Is how I cultivate mental fortitude and physical strength.

3. Is how I punish myself for my numerous failures and shortcomings.

Sire

"You said I couldn't sire new flesh from a barren womb."

Gerardo

I'm eight years deep into a life sentence without you, brother.

Life isn't worth this kind of trouble.

On days like today I look forward to death.

Progeny

"Great parents get promoted to grandparents."

Not in this lifetime. I'd sooner castrate myself with a butter knife wrapped in barbed wire than gift you the title of "grandparent."

I can't escape my rage . . . but I can control it.

Self-Respect

It's hard to lose something you never had to begin with.

Jasmine

I find something inherently repulsive about you. 

If you wanted to jerk me off, however, I wouldn't stop you.

Retribution

"What lessons did you learn from the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks?"

"There are some people in this world that just need killing. Their expedited dispatch from this life will leave the universe no worse for wear."

Hard

Bullshit.

Push-ups.

Bullshit.

Push-ups.

Bullshit.

Push-ups.

Bullshit.

Push-ups.

Perseverance through sheer force of will.

- August 2, 2021

20 Years

We endure, in memoriam, for those who perished and for those still fighting. Reverence, until darkness triumphs no longer.

Jason

Thank you for sharing your 9/11 story with me, and for listening to mine in return. I am glad your father made it out of the North tower alive that morning, and that your girlfriend managed to escape lower Manhattan before the towers collapsed.

Those of us who were alive to witness that day still carry its weight.

Lisa

I never thought I would see you again . . . 

I am glad I was wrong.

Immigration

There is an irreconcilable difference between an individual who actively circumvents the laws of this country for personal gain, and an individual who stands side-by-side with us during a time of war. 

What have South American refugees done to earn their keep in the United States besides set foot on our shores? 

Afghan interpreters and their families have earned their place in this country by fighting and sweating and bleeding alongside American servicemembers during two decades of war.

The difference does not go unnoticed.

Heirloom

I could grow old by your side.

Rational Self-Analysis IV

"I like having something to push against; it gives me an avenue to dispel the nervous energy that consumes me. General David Petraeus referred to it as 'draining the vessel.' He was speaking about depression, but it works the same with anger, rage and hatred. That is why weightlifting is so important to me - it allows me to 'drain the vessel.' It gives me a level of controllable hardship to grind against. It helps to equalize me. And it helps build resiliency, the act of constantly being placed in uncomfortable situations, and pushing through them. Absent something to rally against, that energy becomes all-consuming. It redirects itself against me, and I tear myself apart with it. 

Polls like to harp on how Americans are so much more depressed and anxious as a result of the coronavirus pandemic. I can't relate. COVID-19 has given me something to push against, an enemy to vanquish, day after day after day. Depression, fatigue, and anxiety are dangerous luxuries to be avoided at all cost, and for the last year-and-a-half I have succeeded in keeping those luxuries at bay.

Since June of 2017, I have been training for something - physically, mentally, emotionally, financially - that I knew was coming but just couldn't see. The 35-day government shutdown of 2018-2019 was an excellent dress rehearsal; it showed me that I could handle it, that the steps taken to prepare myself had achieved the desired effect.

This pandemic has taught me something important about myself: I am the kind of person who operates best under hardship and duress. For that insight, I am grateful. You're stronger than you think, kid. Remember that."

Grinding Teeth

Kinship with no human, that most familiar of feelings.

Kabul

"I'm glad you never went to Afghanistan."

"Why is that?"

"Because your blood in the sand of that God-forsaken country wouldn't have changed a damn thing." 

Lyndee

I needed an out, and you gave it to me. 

It was the last time I ever saw you. 

I am grateful for the clean break . . . 

but it absolutely destroyed me.

Isabella (Chung Hoon)

I was on an aircraft carrier in the South China Sea when the video came in: you, your older sister, your best friend and your husband. You had a wedding ring on and a newborn baby in your arms. 

You seemed happy, radiant even. 

I had never desired children for myself, nor had I ever harbored any sentiment or longing for another person's child, but in that moment, awash in the infinite brilliance of the ocean as it slowly but steadily washed across the deck and over my feet, I caught myself thinking, "Damn, that could have been me, my wife and my child." 

In the end we tend to think of how it began, and of all the opportunities forfeited along the way. 

- June 24, 2021

Christie (In Retrospect/The Failed Attempts)

Simply put, I was unprepared for the cutting. I should have been more supportive after finding out, but having myself escaped the seductive grip of self-mutilation only months before, the only thought in my mind was to get away. It was around that time that I also began severing ties with a lot of my high school buddies, shedding dead weight as I pulled ahead in my career and in academia, and your cutting gave me an out.

The guilt I felt at failing to be what I considered a successful boyfriend also contributed heavily to the failure of our relationship. I have struggled with feelings of inadequacy my entire life – I still do, though I suppose to a lesser degree (hopefully, but honestly . . . ) and I viewed your cutting as a failure on my part to provide you with the joy and support you needed. "If you weren't such a shitty boyfriend," the internal dialogue went, "she wouldn't need to be hurting herself to find some modicum of fulfillment and satisfaction and release."

That line of thought still makes sense to me, all these years later. What was missing from our relationship, Christie? What didn't I provide? 

In my mind you were both a beginning and an end, the beginning of a wonderful adventure, and an end to aimless wandering. You are the only woman I have ever truly loved, and in the years since our dissolution I have caught myself comparing other girls in my life to you, evaluating how they measure up to your memory.

As I write this, however, an internal truth makes itself known, buried for the past decade-plus: I started our relationship with the end in mind. I was never 100% committed, I always thought that something better would come along, and I always thought that it would end. 

You deserved better of me, Christie, and for that I am sorry.

Sometimes I wonder what a relationship between you and I would look like with the benefit of ten years of emotional maturity and life experience under our belts. I understand how unrealistic that possibility is – I haven't made it this far dwelling on one-sided scripts of us talking to work out perfect in the end – but yes, sometimes I do wonder.

What would have happened if you had never cut yourself, or if I had been more invested in the long-term success of our relationship? It is impossible to know for sure, but I sometimes wonder about that as well.

Several months ago I was clearing out some boxes from my garage and found a cache of old letters, drawings and music dating back to high school and college. Tucked in among those artifacts were all of the letters you had sent me before, during and after our relationship.

In one letter you thank me for pushing you to pursue your academic potential: "I love that you care about my future. Not a lot of people do, not even my own parents. It means a lot that you were willing to try." I still remember those efforts and how futile they felt at the time, but reading those long-forgotten words hit me like a slap in the face, because in my mind I was doing what anyone who truly loved and cared about you would do.

So despite my internal apprehensions, there was a piece of me that was invested in you, a piece of me that went forgotten for all these years. 

As I understand it, you have achieved notable academic success in recent years, surpassing even my own academic accomplishments. 

As cliché as it sounds, maybe everything does happen for a reason. 

Maybe, just maybe, I wasn't quite the shitty boyfriend I had made myself out to be in my mind. And if so, maybe redemption can still be found, somewhere in the in-between.

I still love you, Christie. You deserved better of me, and for that I am sorry.

"Respond quickly. I'm leaving early, around fifth period, and highly suggest Direct Question Night. We don't have to talk, I just want to see your emotions. Don't worry, you'd see mine, too." - 042607

Andria

My heart is an empty hallway, which is why this pounding of flesh rings so hollow.

- May 2, 2021

Life Time

I was checking a strangers bag for Nazi memorabilia - on the x-ray image it looked like a giant metal swastika, although it could have been one of those mini lug-wrenches you see bike riders carry.

While checking the bag I stumbled upon pictures of myself as a child, Nana, Aunt Teri, Uncle Nash and Mrs. Dorothy. As I laid them out and compared each others faces I felt the overwhelming clarity of time slipping away and opportunities passing me by - most of the people in those pictures were long gone, or missing from my life, unlikely to ever be seen again.

"With every passing moment I am dying here in front of you. It is the inescapable curse of every living creature." - The Mixtape Diaries

I cried like an animal. Unfamiliar sounds wrenched themselves from my clenched throat while the salt of my own tears stained my tongue. 

Destanie, who until that moment had ignored me entirely, choosing instead to peruse her smartwatch for Instagram updates, held me as I cried.

"I just wanted to take a minute to remind you of something: Life isn't short, it goes on after you're gone. Time is not running out, time just goes. It is your life time that is short and running out all the time. 

Months ago my best friend was shot in the face and killed on my front porch, for nothing. Life time's up for him. 

You're different. You're alive, you're breathing. I'd like to see you stay that way. Don't do anything for nothing. You're too important. This trip is all about you." - Henry Rollins, Now Watch Him Die

Christie & Co.

Last night I had a dream where you and your younger sister came over for Christmas dinner.

I was walking around the house, playing guitar and spreading holiday cheer; when I entered the living room you were sitting in my chair. 

I said hello, introducing myself to your younger sister, at first thinking it was you - for a moment I remembered you as last I saw you, some ten years ago, hence the misidentification. 

Did you ever have a younger sister, Christie? I seem to remember an older sister and a younger brother; was there a younger sister in the mix? I don't remember at this point. 

Maybe she was our daughter and I simply didn't recognize her.

When I entered the kitchen she followed - I opened the refrigerator door and caught her peeking around the corner. I squatted down to address her but she eyeballed me warily and wordlessly from a distance. 

Given our history, I can't say that I blamed her. 

- May 4, 2021

Kandice

Sometimes I wish I could relive moments with you, to make them better than before. I know I would make for a better boyfriend today.

- May 7, 2021

Our Bodies Only Blur

Youth passed me by;

I didn't even notice.

- April 30, 2021

Right Atruim

As Karina once said,

"We are Pavlov's dogs."

Supremacy

At the conclusion of this morning's workout, I was left in a crumpled pile of limbs on the floor. Breathing hard, I felt the steam as it rose from my body and evaporated into the ether. Staring at the ground, I felt the sweat run freely from the top of my head down my arms and legs, like a pit of liquid snakes slithering across my skin. I watched in silence as they pooled into a puddle on the floor; I swear I could hear them hissing as they evaporated into the aforementioned ether. 

In pain there is poetry. At least, that is what I keep telling myself.

- June 15, 2021

Vagrant

"If your life has been reduced to begging for spare change from strangers on the street, somewhere along the line you failed as a human. Now step back before I break my fist on your face."

By the time I throw the first punch I've already killed you in my mind.

Hatred & Progression

"Remember this hatred, this animosity towards those who willfully revel in their self-centered ignorance and grandeur, and use it to push yourself forever onward to ever greater heights."

The money doesn't care about the means.

Some days just aren't worth this kind of trouble.

Progression & Momentum

If you allow it, the universe will conspire against you until you die.

Fail if you're going to fail and be done with it. 

The universe will not care one way or the other.

In Hindsight: Table of Contents

Krystal: Young, unrequited love.

Kandice: I really did want to kill myself.

Delilah: My first (worst) mistake was believing you cared.

Christie: You deserved better . . . but then again, so did I.

Angela: For a long time you were the worst mistake I ever made.

Nicole: I wish I had met you five years before.

Karina: You were a lesson in letting my guard down.

Virginia: We should have put an end to it at the start.

Patricia: Our love was only as real as the lies we chose to confess.

Lyndee: I needed an out.

Covidiot III

It took everything (and I mean everything) in my power not to grip the back of your neck, place my fingers inside of your mouth, and separate your lower jaw from the remainder of your skull.

I will call that progress, as much for your benefit as for mine.

Pain / Clarity

In pain there is clarity.

I need more of both.

I want to know everything.

Cheryl (The Arrogance of False Hope)

I wish you would stop pervading my dreams with thoughts of hope. My mind has no time for one-sided conversations of how well the two of us would work out together in the end.

Then again, the weakest part of me appreciates being strung along.

Tobey

Thank you for dropping in, Tobey. I haven't see you in 14 years and, holy cow, was it great to see you again, if only for a moment. I hope the intervening years have been kind to you and your family.

The love you bestowed upon this teenage misfit has never been forgotten, and I still very much adore your hard-nosed attitude and love for all things literature-related.

I am writing a book right now. That was never the plan - as much as I enjoy writing as a means of therapeutic output, I had never even considered the possibility: blue-collar, working-class guys like me, we don't do stuff like that, you know? That's more for the kids with rich parents and college degrees. But with the release of my first solo musical album, and a follow-up album already in the works, doors have begin to open in ways I never imagined before, and now . . . 

. . . well, suffice to say that it is nice to have friends, most of whom I didn't even know I had.

I am about two years out from a serious stab at publication. In the meantime I have been discussing ways and means to incorporate some poetry and writing into my upcoming live performances, once the COVID-19 pandemic becomes a bit more manageable and venues safely begin reopening for business. The response so far has been both surprisingly and overwhelmingly positive. Spoken word is a genre that keeps popping up in my sphere of influence, and I am making time to seriously delve into its contents and stylings to see what I can mine from it.

More recently, I have been paying it forward with the people around me whom I respect and admire. Financial restraints are no longer the millstone they were for me as a teenager and early-to-mid twenty-something, and it feels surprising fulfilling to recognize the people I love (there's a word that doesn't make an appearance very often!) with kindness and respect, and in acknowledgement of their successes and sacrifices, both on their behalf and on mine.

It is alongside teachers like you and Gebhart, and family members like my mother Renée and my grandmother Julia, that I developed such a deep love for reading, writing, music, literature and intellect. I have never taken those interests for granted, and my continual pursuit and consumption of these mediums enrich my life daily.

I love you, Tobey. The love, respect and admiration you bestowed upon me as a teenager have helped me through some of the darkest moments in my life, and for that I will always be grateful for you. 

I will continue seeking knowledge. I will continue growing stronger. I will continue moving forward in spite of all things, and in honor of you and your sacrifice. Thank you, Tobey. Thank you for being there.

Keep This

Kinship with my fellow humans, that rarest of feelings.

The End of Silence

Fuck you. 

Fuck your wife. 

Fuck your collective progeny. 

Fuck the entirety of your lineage. 

Fuck everyone who has led to your existence.

Intention

Be as awesome as people think you are.

Sentiment

Sentiment is a weight that tries its best, day and night, to chain me to the past.

יְהוֹחָנָן‎

I will never ask you to choose between your husband and I - I respect you too much to put you in a situation like that.

However, I will say this: if something were ever to happen to your husband - God forbid, but if it did - I am an option that you have.

Cheryl

The way you leaned back and playfully kicked your legs at me, like a little girl on a swing . . . 

Brittany

Sometimes it's hard to separate the emotion from the action.

Socialism / Crutch

Billboard: "We call for a radical redistribution of resources, because economic precarity is another form of harm."

Aunt Deeney: "I hope you're feeling generous, because some of us have made very poor decisions in life, and are therefore much more deserving of your new Mercedes Benz."

No. You earn it or you suffer. Social parasitism is not progress. Neither is adopting the identity of a self-righteous socialist in order to abdicate personal responsibility. 

Daryl: "This is the way it should be. There are two kinds of people in the world: producers and parasites. When a society gets too many parasites, we need the disaster, the tsunami, the earthquake, the war, the flood, the disease to wash away the garbage, to rinse the safety nets of the slugs that use them as a hammock."

Cheryl

You approached me from outside the abyss, reaching in to find me, knowing I needed you.

The Covidiot Chronicles

"I understand that you may get sick and die, and/or someone you love may get sick and die, as a result of our interaction, but I have places to be. Your potential misfortune is of no concern to me." 

People like you help me understand why mass shootings occur.

Embrace The Abyss

Sometimes you have to embrace the abyss in order to transcend it.

Montana

"I thought we were friends."

"I can't, I'm sorry . . . you're too pretty."

I said it jokingly, laughing aloud as I walked away, but I never knew a joke could hit so close to home.

Susan

What motivates me is complex and personal. I do not expect you to understand, nor will I waste time attempting to explain it, or myself. 

I owe you nothing.

Craig

The pursuit of knowledge is never time wasted.

On Vaccines and Morals

I received my first dose of the COVID-19 vaccine today. More importantly, I waited my turn. My conscience is clean.

Time

Some people don't begin counting until there is nothing left to add.

Stupid Covidiots / Masks (Or Lack Thereof)

The blatant disregard for the welfare of others is what enrages me the most. That, and the inflated sense of self-importance. 

"Masks! They're so uncomfortable! And I have rights, you know!"

That look on your face when you realized I was going to beat the ever-living shit out of you was absolutely priceless, though I prefer to think of it as the righting of a wrong, a community service of sorts.

Hell, your parents should be thanking me for taking the initiative to do what they obviously never had the gumption to do themselves.

The split knuckles were well worth the knowledge dispensed. Actions have consequences, you idiot, and these are them.

On Vaccination ("War")

The Department of Homeland Security was not included in the initial plans for vaccination via Operation Warp Speed. Although David Pekoske, the Acting Security of Homeland Security, successfully petitioned the Trump Administration for vaccine doses for the department's 230,000 employees, the vaccines themselves did not magically appear out of thin air once this was accomplished. Rather, they were culled from existing stockpiles intended for frontline medical personnel and people aged 65 and older.

The thought of taking a vaccine away from someone who arguably needs it more than myself . . . no, I am not willing to do that. 

Instead, I will double-down on existing preventative measures and continue holding the line, knowing at a later date the eligibility list will expand to include me once those populations most at-risk are successfully vaccinated. I mean, we're already a year into this God-forsaken pandemic, what's another few weeks?

I do not regret making this decision in the slightest. Service is about putting the needs of others before your own. American culture as a whole is grossly narcissistic and self-centered, and Americans love deluding themselves in their own self-serving brand of superiority and adoration. Forgive me for choosing not to play along.

Psychescape

I feel myself sinking into myself, lost in decisions made long ago.

William (Rational Self-Analysis III)

"My defensiveness is derived from a deep-seated sense of inadequacy."

At your age, I would say that you're pretty fucking successful.

"From the outside looking in, people see a young man with a successful career and a lot of money in the bank. I was always taught that money is a by-product of success and that pursuing wealth alone is a fools errand; pursue success and wealth will follow. 

Using these metrics to gauge success, I suppose I have accomplished quite a bit, especially when compared to kids I went to high school and graduated college with. Every once in a while an individual from my past will re-enter my sphere of influence, and damn . . . 

But even when I succeed at something I care deeply about, like releasing a music album, I feel proud in that moment, but I can't hold onto that feeling . . . and then it's gone, and that feeling of inadequacy returns to grind on me some more." 

William (Rational Self-Analysis II)

"I have an answer to your question. It's not a very good answer and you're addressing a very uncomfortable topic, but I will answer it honestly, because I respect you enough to give you the truth.

I have always thought very low of myself. In assessing where I am in life, I feel as though this is all I deserve."

Destanie

Your laughter sounds like angels screaming . . . 

It's beautiful.

Black Coffee Blues

"The lack of sleep is slowly being filled in with rage. I can feel it seeping between the cracks where optimism ends and I begin." 

Erin

I miss you like a virgin misses her child.

Mother

You are, and have always been, the strongest woman I know - hell, the strongest person I know - and everything I do I do in your honor, and in acknowledgement of your sacrifice.

 

Don't ever think for a second that I have ever been sorry to be your son, that I was somehow short-changed at birth because of your limitations. That sort of weakness does not run in our family, and I will not allow such weakness to fester in this household. 

Failure is always an option, but I defy it to continue. Thank you for showing me how.

Sometimes you just need to find a nice, dark, quiet corner of this earth and scream until your lungs resemble two bloody rags.

Dead Meat

I lie here alone, drawing flies. 

Rotting meat is all I am.

Covidiot

You will never know how close I came to weaving my hand around your salt-and-pepper ponytail, gripping it, snapping your head back with it, and losing my fist down your throat.

I wish the anti-maskers would hurry up and die off so we can get this pandemic over with.

Fey (Family Man)

We married when you were 18 years old and I was 31 years old.

We waited five years before conceiving and delivering our first child, a boy named Tobias.

Another five years passed before we completed our family.

Tobias would be followed by a daughter named Kira, a son named D'artenio, two more daughters named Addison and Chelsea, and a third son named Xavier.

We had our reasons why.

Ann

"I don't want to get sick and I don't want to die. Not like this."

I finally understand.

Cheryl

I found you crumpled on the floor near the intercom, naked and bestial, a shadow of your former self.

At first I thought you were wearing some kind of nightgown; the soft sliver of your bare breasts as they quivered in the dim glow of the moonlight filtering through your bedroom window corrected that assumption.

You are older now but in that moment I saw you as I remember you on the day we first met: chestnut brown hair worn in a bob at the shoulders, alabaster skin pulled taut over long bones and lean muscles. 

All of the years spent mountaineering in the back country had gifted you with a hard body that made you the envy of women half your age. Your parents superb genetics deserve recognition as well.

You always were the apple of your parents' eye, the favorite offspring and favored sibling, but I digress . . . 

On the wall next to the intercom, in handwritten letters, was the phrase Listen, Serve, Obey. 

Muted sobs racked your body as you tried to speak. "After everything they've asked of us . . . " you cried, the salt of your tears catching the moonlight and fluorescing in the gloom.

I rested the flat of my fingers on your ribcage and kissed your right shoulder three times.

"This loneliness won't be the death of you," I whispered in reply.

Watching you wade on hands and knees through 40 years of failure made me want you all the more. Eventually you rose to your feet. 

Face to face I felt the warmth of your breath catch in my throat. 

"I miss you most when I am lonely," you whispered.

Your lips curled back, revealing glimmering incisors and canines. 

The liquid absence of your eyes caught the shine from the moon, revealing a creature more theriomorphic than human.

In that moment I knew exactly how this encounter would end.

Your fingers wove around my neck, nails feeling for and then digging deep into the space where the skull and spine met. I felt the warm wetness as skin separated from bone. 

When my vision returned I could just make out the rivulets of blood as they streamed down my chest and shoulders. 

Your eyes bore the same deep shade of crimson, illuminated in the predatory glimmer of the softly-fading moon.

Once more you brought your lips to my throat and bared your teeth, tightening your grip on the base of my skull.

"This one's for old times," you said, smiling. Your black eyes twinkled.

I heard the snap, but I didn't feel a thing.

Sera

I had sworn that I would never lust over a married woman, but in that moment, watching you wade on hands and knees through 40 years of failure, illuminated by the predatory glimmer of the softly-fading moon, I would have gladly knocked on the door to your heart through your uterus. 

Beautiful Losers

You do not have to love me just because you are every women I have ever wanted. I was born to follow you, a monument to the many men who (have) love(d) you or are waiting to love you, myself included.

2020 Dies / Greatness Calling

I started off the year 2020 with eight New Year's "Resolutions."

I ended the year accomplishing ten, adding new "resolutions" along the way.

In layman's terms, I grabbed 2020 by the throat and throttled it, shook it, watched it die in my hands as it gave way to a new year.

Now there is only 2021.

I will continue seeking knowledge.                                                      I will continue growing stronger.                                                    There is nothing left to do.

Don't attach.                                                                                      Hit hard.                                                                                            Disappear.                                                                                    Keep moving.

It was always simple combat, one against all.                                  One never relenting, knowing no other way to go but until collapse.

Things should start getting interesting right about now.