The Backpack

Someday there will be nothing left to accomplish, and this backpack will weight nothing.

Until then, there is work to be done.

Carina

"They write movies around characters like you . . . and sometimes you're the hero. It's a compliment."

I know I'm not a piece of shit.

For the first time in my life, I realize this.

Your negativity means nothing to me.

What makes a person specific, and why do they become that?

Family

Sometimes I wish I had siblings to help carry the weight when I get tired.

This is a burden someone with brothers and sisters will never understand. 

Glass Ceilings

It turns out they were fragile after all.

Kim

"If I ever get divorced . . . "

You let that statement linger in the air between us, an open invitation for future possibilities.

I've heard similar sentiments from numerous married women over the years - at least five come to mind as I write this - and I've never figured out the "right" response to give under the circumstances.

"I'll be looking forward to it. Give me a call when your marriage dissolves."

If our (hypothetical) children ever ask, we'll tell them we met while reading to the blind or building school houses for impoverished children in South America. Yeah, that sounds good.

Alana

You were chasing a would-be suicide bomber across multiple lanes of traffic, running in combat boots too big for your feet. As the runway tapered off I watched you slip and fall on loose gravel, landing hard on your stomach. 

I ran as fast as I could to get to you. Afraid to move you because of your pregnancy, I pulled you close and held you tight, yelling for my partner to call for an ambulance. He ran away to make the call and we were alone in the intersection, cars speeding by us on both sides.

"My baby . . . " you whispered between sobs. "I was just getting used to the idea of becoming a mother."

The way you slipped and fell forward on the pavement, coupled with the previous miscarriage you and Vincent had already weathered . . . I was not optimistic that this baby would survive the fall.

A part of me wondered if your marriage would survive a second miscarriage; another part wondered if I'd be willing to take your husband's place.

"At what age do we grow out of feeling so fucking worthless?"

- Date Unknown

Psychotic Break

I pray you never know the pleasure of punching holes through drywall.

Degradation Trip

The uncharacteristically optimistic outlook I started the year with has been face-fucked into the ground, leaving me with an all-too-familiar feeling of rage, desperation and animosity.  

There is nothing left to do except endure the remainder of this year. 

- February 13, 2024

Failure

I hadn't failed at accomplishing a task in such a long time that I'd completely forgotten what it felt like to fail.

It makes me want to stab myself in the guts with a screwdriver.

Violence

If I weren't such a pussy, I would end this.

- February 8, 2024

I am trying to create a future I can look forward to.

מים מלוכלכים (חלק שלישי)

At 2:30 in the morning I was awakened by the sound of whispers emanating from the tunnel entrance.

I looked around; none of the soldiers in my periphery stirred.

The whispering continued. I heard someone chuckle. 

My blood ran cold. 

My rifle was at my side. I reached for it slowly, flipping the safety catch to full-auto.

I sat up and peered into the darkness of the tunnel.

Somewhere in the tunnel a rifle cocked.

Fuck this, I thought. I aimed my rifle and depressed the trigger until all 30 rounds were exhausted.

Israeli soldiers yelled in Hebrew and scrambled for cover. The stench of cordite and copper hung heavily in the air. Nothing moved inside the tunnel. 

We all stared wide-eyed at each other for a moment, trying to piece together our next move. 

"I'm not going in there, you go in there", one soldier finally murmured. I saw heads nod.

Everyone's eyes eventually settled on me. 

The squad leader put his hand on my shoulder and looked me in the eye. "Finish what you start, killer", he said with a grin, pointing at the tunnel entrance.

In the silence I heard a low moan echo out from inside the tunnel.

Fuck this, I thought once again to myself. In the shatter of the still I reloaded my rifle with a grunt. Talk about pulling the short straw.

Carrie

"You were always meant to become a vessel for my future progeny."

Selena

"I knew from the first time I saw you that I wanted you inside me."

Krystal (In Retrospect)

My first taste of unrequited love. It stung, but considering where you are today, I shouldn't be upset. 

Some losses aren't worth mourning.