מים מלוכלכים (חלק שני)

"Is it true that Israel used to harvest the cornea's of dead Hamas fighters?"

"Dude, those were our biggest export for years."

"Why did commanders name this operation 'Dirty Water'? Is the seawater that polluted?"

"It has nothing to do with the seawater, Goy. Our objective is to color the water red with the blood of non-believers, of those who would murder innocent Israeli civilians. That's why it's called 'Dirty Water.'"

"If I get captured by Hamas fighters, can I trust one of you boys to kill me before they saw my head off and send it to my parents?" 

"We're way ahead of you, buddy. The Hannibal Directive allows us to kill any Israeli soldier abducted by Hezbollah or Hamas fighters. We'll make sure you're dead long before anyone puts a knife to your throat."

Sometimes the dead time between missions can make you start overanalyzing your circumstances, which is an easy way to psyche yourself out. It almost makes me wish for something to shoot at, if only to take my mind off the situation on the ground here.

Andrea

"If I could sub out Eddie's semen for yours, I would. I'd much rather be having your baby than his."

מים מלוכלכים (חלק ראשון)

I was dispatched to Israel to aid the Israeli Defense Forces (IDF) in locating and clearing Hamas's underground tunnel network in Gaza.

Israel's Ministry of Defense had decided to flood the underground tunnels with seawater to force Hamas fighters out into the open; rifle squads stationed at entrance and egress points would then close with and destroy them as they attempted to flee.

I was issued a rifle and Medai Bet upon my arrival at Ben Gurion International Airport. Touching base with IDF leadership in Tel Aviv, the commanding officer in charge of the operation gave me one simple command: "If it isn't Israeli, kill it."

Roger that. 

An hour later our IDF convoy arrived in Gaza City, responding to reports that a tunnel complex had been discovered beneath a Palestinian elementary school. 

Our orders were to augment and assist Israeli ground forces engaged in close combat and hostage rescue operations inside the tunnel. 

We were informed upon our arrival that six soldiers had been killed in an attempt to recover Israeli hostages stowed inside the tunnel. Six more soldiers were seriously wounded by Hamas fighters deploying booby traps, grenades and small arms fire.

No hostages were found inside the tunnel: the rumor had been a ruse to lure Israeli forces into the tunnel where Hamas fighters lay in wait. 

Israeli military commanders realized too late that they had been routed into a narrow corridor; in the darkened confines of the underground tunnel complex, the corridor became a shooting gallery.

The six body bags sitting at the mouth of the tunnel entrance coupled with the bloodstains on the squad leader's uniform told us everything we needed to know about what was waiting for us inside those tunnels.

Lloyd

"Don't be ashamed to recalibrate your expectations, because it won't matter what you accomplish if you're in no shape to appreciate the fruits of your labors while they're still ripe."

The Divinity of Purpose

For the first time in my life I am proud of who I am and the person I have become.

 - September 20, 2023

Andrea

"You're cute, in a dorky sort of way. If I were single, I'd suck you off."

Lloyd

"Do you push yourself as hard as you do because you feel as though you've failed to measure up to the expectations of your parents, particularly your mother?"

– July 31, 2023

Heavy Steps

I've never seen myself as someone worth saving.

Selena

I love capitalizing on the desperation of others.

(The Baseline by Which to Measure)

If you are not positively and tangibly contributing to my immediate reality . . . of what purpose do you serve? 

This is my threshold for social interaction.

September 11

Today it's not about them, it's not about us, and it's not about me.

It's about those who fell, those still fighting, and those for whom the war never ends.

José

"People like you who see the glass as half-full may not see the glass as half-empty but will wonder why the glass is only half-full."

- January 11, 2023

Home

I have to mentally detach from this house. It will not be easy.

I have always loved this house. It was "The One" way back in June 2009 when we first came across it. I forget at this point how many houses we looked at before this one – dozens, to be sure – but each one paled in comparison to this house. There was never any reason to keep searching – indeed, this was "The One".

It has been here for me for the last 14 years; my entire adult life, essentially. Even if I never saw this as a "forever home", having a place to go to ground and strategize during times of great physical, emotional and political upheaval . . . that is difficult to give up. 

And it breaks my heart. 

I felt similarly when my parents divorced after I graduated high school in June 2007. Having to leave my childhood home was a terrible experience, and to do so I had to disassociate myself. 

A good house does right by you, and that house did right by us. 

Just like this one. 

When you told me that you never wanted to buy this house, what was I supposed to say, other than, "I'm sorry . . . 15 years too late"?

I have 12 to 18 months to get my head straight, strategize, save up and invest – $35,000 to $50,000 – into strategic renovations, list the house, close the sale and relocate, most likely to Palm Springs, California, or Paradise or Summerlin, Nevada.

As demoralizing a task as this will be, dragging my feet will accomplish none of this . . . so I may as well get started.

Christie

This morning I listened to post-rock in the rain and thought of you. 

For Mom

The purpose is the process and the process equals the result. 

History (Perseverance)

History tries its best, day and night, to erase me . . . 

but through perseverance, I prevail.

April

"You view the world in a way that is very matter-of-fact; you perceive reality a shade harsher than the rest of us. But that allows you to acknowledge and address the inadequacies of existence that many people can't – or simply refuse – to see."

Rumination

It's not easy living with myself. I put myself through a lot, to compensate for shortcomings both real and imagined.

Sometimes I just don't want to exist.

- June 11, 2023

Eulogy

I turned 34 years old today.

I am no longer plagued 

with the thought of dying young.

That ship has sailed.

Into the darkness I descend.

There's no turning back now. 

This trip only ends one way.