κεανός

There is nothing I have ever wanted more than for you to hold this deep inside your heart, to lay beside me while my halo burned to ashes in the wake of a year of worthless promises.

Bella, your name was a lifeline. I had synchronized my heartbeat to the sound of bridges burning only to lose myself in the echo of your voice, every syllable leading me ever closer to the end. There were times I had whispered your name in the dead of night until my lips bled, slipping into unconsciousness with nothing more than the feeling of your body with his and the sound of you sighing and sharing our moments without me.

You know better than anyone that I fall harder than anyone.

And yet it all seemed so real when you spoke, every whisper adorned with rose petals and the best of intentions. Your accent was an amalgamation of metaphors, of foreign cultures and familial upbringings, every word nestled in the softest of italics to remind me of the places that are not where I am and remain to be seen.

"The purpose of life is not to find ourselves but to lose ourselves."

I had lost myself so many times in search of you. Until the void where you end and I begin forged an ocean in your exile, and the distance in-between became nothing short of perfection.

"Someone somewhere loves you or is waiting to love you, I swear."

You were everything I wanted at night, a bulwark to counteract these nightmares coming to life. I dreamt through your every encounter, every caress a waking dream, and even now my heart skips a beat at the memory of how you married me with a sympathy kiss, our saliva shining silver as we made love . . .