Tobias (All The Ways We Kill And Die)

I need to clarify the rationale behind the decision I made on the day that you died, for the sake of our boys and my own weary conscious.

The human body can incur a finite amount of trauma before it begins shutting itself down. You were damn near dead when Cody and I found you and I am certain that you were as aware of that fact as we were.

When that grenade hit the deck I made a split-second decision - the one that saved Cody's life and my own and in return sealed your fate.

Throwing Cody and myself to the ground saved our lives; there was nothing I could have done in the split-second before the grenade exploded to free you from the restraints that held your body in place.

Did you realize it was game over when the grenade landed at our feet? A typical M67 fragmentary grenade has a kill radius of 10 meters; this one landed less than three feet from you with the fuse cooking away.

The medical examiner who conducted the autopsy told us that the pattern of burns left on your body by the incendiary were consistent with that of an individual attempting to shield themself from an explosive detonation, which is to say that despite understanding the futility of your actions, despite knowing there would be no escape . . . you turned away, in spite of yourself.

Was that one final action an unconscious attempt at self-preservation induced by the brain to save the body, as useless a gesture as it was? Or was it an intentional decision made in spite of the knowledge of your own imminent and assured demise?

All I can say for certain is that you were still alive when Cody and I dove for cover and when the smoke cleared . . . you were not. The sight of your body - charred black from the blast, pockmarked with shrapnel, the chain link cutting into your hands and feet - is the image I carry with me to this day.

Higher commended me for getting the rest of our boys home alive and in one piece - "the ideal example of exceptional leadership under fire," as it was referred to in the formal citation. But the words of my uncle, a career infantryman, are the ones that I remember most clearly.

"Son, war is simple: You bring your men home alive or you die trying. If you don't die trying then you didn't try hard enough."

Do I feel guilty about getting the rest of our boys out of that God-forsaken hellhole alive but not you? Believe me, you have no idea.

Let me put it this way: I have come to understand that it isn't the men who make it back home that you remember.

It's the ones who don't.

I have learned this truth the hardest of ways.