Mom (Lament)

"I'm not as young as I was two months ago."

That's true of all of us, Mom.

Christie

The other night I pulled Tool's Lateralus out of storage and gave it a spin for the first time since letting you borrow it some 15 years ago. 

The memory of you it elicited felt like an unborn baby kicking me in the guts.

Perspectives on Death

The closer you get to the end of life, the more you realize what little time you have left, and how quickly those remaining moments slip into the ether.

I'm sorry, Mom. I am learning this lesson against my will, as are you.

Renée

How old was I when you realized I would fail to meet your expectations?

Apryl

I look you in the eye and see everything that could have been.

Dreams (Of Neoliberal Sheep)

In my opinion the importance of acting, all too often, is lost on people. Their dreams forever exist as just that – dreams – with no corresponding course of action to bring them to fruition. As a result, they forever inhabit a kind of half-life existence, never fully realized. What’s worse, people can’t understand why they are so dissatisfied with the outcome of their lives – it’s because they’ve never fully engaged with the potentiality of their dreams! I see this all the time – I have been guilty of it myself – and it is one of the saddest scenarios I know.

Scott

I'm 35 years old and this trip only ends one way. There is a lot of work that needs to be done between now and then, to pave the way for the generation to come, so "kick back and relax" isn't on my to-do list. I don't have time to be useless like you.

Keep your unsolicited opinions to yourself. 

מבצע מים מלוכלכים (חלק רביעי)

"In the past, and even in most cases today, military tunnels and bunkers have been built specifically to gain a military advantage. They are used for smuggling, kidnapping, and invading or defending territory. Underground spaces enable militaries to conserve capabilities by avoiding detection and strike, to hold terrain by using the tunnels for mobile defense tactics, or even offensively to use guerrilla tactics to attrit the attacking force. 

For the first time in the history of tunnel warfare, however, Hamas has built a tunnel network to gain not just a military advantage, but a political advantage, as well. Its underground world serves all of the military functions described above, but also an entirely different one. Hamas weaved its vast tunnel networks into the society on the surface. Destroying the tunnels is virtually impossible without adversely impacting the population living in Gaza. Consequently, they put the modern laws of war at the center of the conflict's conduct. These laws restrict the use of military force and methods or tactics that a military can use against protected populations and sites such as hospitals, churches, schools, and United Nations facilities.

Almost all of Hamas's tunnels are built into civilian and protected sites in densely populated urban areas. Much of the infrastructure providing access to the tunnels is in protected sites. This complicates discriminating between military targets and civilian locations - if not rendering it entirely impossible - because Hamas does not have military sites separate from civilian sites. 

Hamas's strategy is also not to hold terrain or defeat an attacking force. Its strategy is about time. It is about creating time for international pressure on Israel to stop its military operation to mount. 

Hamas is globally known for using human shields, which is the practice of using civilians to restrict the attacker in a military operation. The group wants as many civilians as possible to be harmed by Israel military action - as one of its officials put it, 'We are proud to sacrifice martyrs.' It wants the world's attention on the question of whether the IDF campaign is violating the laws of war in attacking Hamas tunnels that are tightly connected to civilian and protected sites. It wants to buy as much time as is needed to cause the international community to stop Israel. Its entire strategy is built on tunnels . . . 

Hamas's strategy, then, is founded on tunnels and time. This war, more so than any other, is about the underground and not the surface. It is time-based rather than terrain- or enemy-based. Hamas is in the tunnels. Its leaders and weapons are in the tunnels. The Israeli hostages are in the tunnels. And Hamas's strategy is founded on its conviction that, for Israel, the critical resource of time will run out in the tunnels."

- John Spencer, "Gaza's Underground: Hamas's Entire Politico-Military Strategy Rests On Its Tunnels" (Excerpt), Modern War Institute at West Point, January 18, 2024 (See: https://mwi.westpoint.edu/gazas-underground-hamass-entire-politico-military-strategy-rests-on-its-tunnels/).

The Backpack

Someday there will be nothing left to accomplish, and this backpack will weigh nothing.

Until then, there is work to be done.

Carina

"They write movies around characters like you . . . and sometimes you're the hero. It's a compliment."

I know I'm not a piece of shit.

For the first time in my life, I realize this.

Your negativity means nothing to me.

What makes a person specific, and why do they become that?

Family

Sometimes I wish I had siblings to help carry the weight when I get tired.

This is a burden someone with brothers and sisters will never understand. 

Glass Ceilings

It turns out they were fragile after all.

Kim

"If I ever get divorced . . . "

You let that statement linger in the air between us, an open invitation for future possibilities.

I've heard similar sentiments from numerous married women over the years - at least five come to mind as I write this - and I've never figured out the "right" response to give under the circumstances.

"I'll be looking forward to it. Give me a call when your marriage dissolves."

If our (hypothetical) children ever ask, we'll tell them we met while reading to the blind or building school houses for impoverished children in South America. Yeah, that sounds good.

Alana

You were chasing a would-be suicide bomber across multiple lanes of traffic, running in combat boots too big for your feet. As the runway tapered off I watched you slip and fall on loose gravel, landing hard on your stomach. 

I ran as fast as I could to get to you. Afraid to move you because of your pregnancy, I pulled you close and held you tight, yelling for my partner to call for an ambulance. He ran away to make the call and we were alone in the intersection, cars speeding by us on both sides.

"My baby . . . " you whispered between sobs. "I was just getting used to the idea of becoming a mother."

The way you slipped and fell forward on the pavement, coupled with the previous miscarriage you and Vincent had already weathered . . . I was not optimistic that this baby would survive the fall.

A part of me wondered if your marriage would survive a second miscarriage; another part wondered if I'd be willing to take your husband's place.

"At what age do we grow out of feeling so fucking worthless?"

- Date Unknown

Psychotic Break

I pray you never know the pleasure of punching holes through drywall.

Degradation Trip

The uncharacteristically optimistic outlook I started the year with has been face-fucked into the ground, leaving me with an all-too-familiar feeling of rage, desperation and animosity.  

There is nothing left to do except endure the remainder of this year. 

- February 13, 2024

Failure

I hadn't failed at accomplishing a task in such a long time that I'd completely forgotten what it felt like to fail.

It makes me want to stab myself in the guts with a screwdriver.

Violence

If I weren't such a pussy, I would end this.

- February 8, 2024

I am trying to create a future I can look forward to.

מים מלוכלכים (חלק שלישי)

At 2:30 in the morning I was awakened by the sound of whispers emanating from the tunnel entrance.

I looked around; none of the soldiers in my periphery stirred.

The whispering continued. I heard someone chuckle. 

My blood ran cold. 

My rifle was at my side. I reached for it slowly, flipping the safety catch to full-auto.

I sat up and peered into the darkness of the tunnel.

Somewhere in the tunnel a rifle cocked.

Fuck this, I thought. I aimed my rifle and depressed the trigger until all 30 rounds were exhausted.

Israeli soldiers yelled in Hebrew and scrambled for cover. The stench of cordite and copper hung heavily in the air. Nothing moved inside the tunnel. 

We all stared wide-eyed at each other for a moment, trying to piece together our next move. 

"I'm not going in there, you go in there", one soldier finally murmured. I saw heads nod.

Everyone's eyes eventually settled on me. 

The squad leader put his hand on my shoulder and looked me in the eye. "Finish what you start, killer", he said with a grin, pointing at the tunnel entrance.

In the silence I heard a low moan echo out from inside the tunnel.

Fuck this, I thought once again to myself. In the shatter of the still I reloaded my rifle with a grunt. Talk about pulling the short straw.

Carrie

"You were always meant to become a vessel for my future progeny."

Selena

"I knew from the first time I saw you that I wanted you inside me."

Krystal (In Retrospect)

My first taste of unrequited love. It stung, but considering where you are today, I shouldn't be upset. 

Some losses aren't worth mourning.